Good Eye/Bad Eye

He met her in church on a Sunday morning. Since he was in town for only one day he invited her to breakfast afterwards. They got along so well that he gave her a couple of passes for the evening’s match in Boofterville. To his surprise she showed up with her brother. They returned with him to the dressing room for a few minutes and her brother got his autograph, saying that he was a huge fan. She wished him luck and then they went back to their seats.

He was slated for a later match, against Sgt. Big Bo Scrumble, 400 pounds of fighting Marine. Finally he heard the announcer, slapped the patch over his left eye, did a couple deep knee bends, and made his way to the ring. “And now, at 367 pounds, all the way from Vinegarroon County, Indiana, the most schizophrenic man in professional wrestling—Good Eye/Bad Eye!”

People strained to see which eye was uncovered. “It’s Good Eye,” the disappointing word spread. He stepped into the ring to cheers and shouts. He had just made her out in the crowd when Big Bo attacked him from behind, before the bell had even rung! Before he knew it he was on the canvas and Big Bo was applying a sloppy arm-bar-drag. Good Eye screamed in pain as Big Bo nearly pulled his arm from its socket. He struggled to his feet.

Big Bo kept the pressure on as he shouted epithets: “Ten hut! Stand at attention when I’m talking to you, maggot!” Then he kicked Good Eye in the ribs knocking him back onto the canvas. As Good Eye struggled, gasping for air, Big Bo showed his contempt by performing a few calisthenics while Good Eye pulled himself painfully to his feet.

Things didn’t get any better after that. Big Bo dropped him on his head a couple of times, even tried a DDT, which Good Eye managed to slip out of before he was knocked unconscious. Then Big Bo slapped him through the ropes and he lay on the ring apron, lights whirling around his head. The roar of the crowd seemed very far away.

He could barely make out the referee counting him out as Big Bo capered in the ring to the boos of the fans.

Suddenly someone was standing over him. “He’s killing you!” she anguished. “Ah, ’tain’t nothing,” he smiled unconvincingly through bloodied teeth. Someone tried to shepherd her away but Good Eye stopped him. “Wait.”

“You’ll never beat him, this way. I’m sorry,” she said as she grabbed his eye patch and pulled it over his one good eye. The crowd gasped. Big Bo stopped his prancing and a look of fear crossed his face. “It’s Bad Eye!” Someone screamed.

Without looking back Bad Eye climbed into the ring and viciously raked his fingernails over Big Bo’s face, blood flowing like the Red Sea. After a couple of good forearm shots Bad Eye had him down, stomping him unmercifully with his big black boots. After a couple of elbow drops he climbed to the top rope where he waited like some monstrous malevolent crow while the shaken Big Bo struggled to his feet. As Bo turned around Bad Eye pounced, leaping over his stunned opponent, capturing Bo’s head between his boots and performing a Flying Head Scissors that sent his opponent whirling into ear-ringing oblivion. “1–2–3,” the referee counted, it was over but Bad Eye wasn’t done yet. He chased the referee out of the ring, grabbed a chair, clobbered the announcer and would have finished off Big Bo except Captain Ace Hardy and his tag team partner, XNOID, led a group of wrestlers out of the back and subdued Bad Eye after twenty minutes of frantic pummeling that left the ring area shattered, several tables broken, three wrestlers and two managers unconscious, and the refreshment booth a wreck. Hotdogs, ice, popcorn, and soda were strewn from one end of the arena to the other. The crowd shouted for more.

Finally, six wrestlers held Bad Eye down as he growled and snapped at them. “We can’t hold him long, get that gal up here!” yelled Cap Ace and soon Bad Eye was glaring up at a young woman, tears in her eyes as she gently grasped his sweaty, bloody eye patch. He tried to pull away but she slid the patch across his battered nose until it covered his one bad eye.

Good Eye looked up and smiled.

He was in love.